Caught In-Between

What Was. What Next?

We recently moved to Florida. The land of retirees. Only most retirees (us included) still need to supplement our measly retirement income. I have been self-employed for so long, I don’t have a clue how to look for a job. It doesn’t help that everything is online now, it is so impersonal and competitive. I am in a new place with no contacts and networking is a struggle.

There was a job fair at a local bookstore, I was tempted, but instead I spent the morning arguing with myself.

Do you really want to work there? If I am honest, NO, but we could use the money. It’s close by. I love to read.

It’s only for the holidays, you will barely be trained and then it will be over. True, but every little bit help.

Is it worth it?
I don’t know. Will I enjoy it? Possibly. Is that little bit of income really going to help? Maybe.

But what if?
“You know, maybe if you spent the time you would spend working for them on what you really want to do, you just might be successful. Why have a job, just for the sake of having a job?

TIME is the real value. At least for me.

Success means something different for each of us. For me, income is important and necessary, I am not looking to get rich, just comfortable and something to help me spend less time worrying.

It is my TIME which is my most precious commodity. At this later stage of life I would much rather make it all about me and what I really want to do. Which begs the question — How (and where) would I find a job which inspires me, fulfills the yearning inside, creates joy and purpose?

The truth is, I would much rather work for myself or someone who respects and understands my needs and appreciates how much I have to offer. I have been self-employed for almost 30 years, giving up my precious commodity of Time and having my life ruled by a time clock turns my stomach.

But, the real conundrum — what do I really want to do?

We had to give up our Airstream way of life. I didn’t realize how much I would miss it. Really miss it. How much it inspired me. How it fulfilled me. It was dream come true but now the intensity of that lifestyle is slowly fizzling away and I don’t want to let go. How do I find something that will expand upon how it made me feel and continue the confidence it encouraged? Where do I find a place to transfer that commitment of something so special? What will inspire me now?

Selling Betty Jo (the Airstream) was one of the hardest things I had ever done. A big part of it was letting go of all she represented. As I said to my husband, “Who (what) will be my inspiration now? What am I going to take photos of? What is my purpose?”

I have some ideas of what I think I would like to do. The real issue is how committed am I? I just know it has to be something CREATIVE!

Change is a fact of life. I usually embrace it. But I find I fear this new chapter. I am sure it is because I feel it might be the last chapter and I want it to mean something to me. But at what cost?

I am caught in between — between what I feel I should do and what I crave to do. The should could provide more instant security, the crave will take time and possibly have more risks? After a lifetime of choices with risks, security sounds good but will it really make me happy?

Till I decide or something just screams at me — I will practice avoidance, excel at procrastination, deliberate all angles, argue constantly with myself, experience guilt, find moments of self-confidence, feel extreme pressure, or just simply lack motivation.

There is always the question — Is it failure I fear? Or is it that I will find success? What is my idea of success now?